I am so lucky to have Stu

I am so very lucky to have stu, because on my hideously lazy day he is going to get me subway. I am incredibly blessed for all the little things he does for me, all the little ways he shows me how much he cares. I have been so up and down in my motivation etc due to confusion on my course and things being a little strained in that area, I possibly have not been the easiest person to be with, and he is so patient and loving. I just hope he is happy to be patient until I settle out.  Due to extreme mental illness on my part this year, I find it difficult to cope when my pattern changes, I deal with it way better than I ever did, but I know I am still drained and I have lost all of my motivation, I am lazy right now… very lazy.

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week

This week is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week. This closely affects myself as I have a CHD. Despite the fact it was technically fixed at birth I still have abnormalities compared to the normal average person and I feel these every day. Mind you I’m not bitching because facts faces: without what I live with now, I would be dead. Small mercies etc… but still I feel lucky to be alive. But this week always makes me sad, sad that other people live like me too, that babies are born every day with a CHD, that another family is ripped apart and has to put themselves back together by themselves and hope they survive it. I was incredibly lucky, but I know that some are not… CHD can affect lives before they have even had the chance to live to the point that most of their ability to live is lost, if not all of it. So this week I will be lighting a candle every day for all those who live with a CHD, be it themselves or their families that live with it too.

Reading the runes.

A few months ago with the help of El I started to discover more about myself spiritually, not that I was even aware I had a spiritual side previously or what I really believed in, until i picked up a pendulum that El had bought for herself and it started to react to me, much to her annoyance… whoops…

After that I decided to start trying out different types of divination and learning more about Wicca and paganism, and looking more into my ancestry and what my ancestors believed in. As it turns out im a Pict (Scottish Celt) and my ancestors wer followers of druidism, some of which is included in modern day paganism. With this in mind I started trying my hand at rune casting, with some suprising results.

I’ve never really addressed my beliefs before, so this is all new to me… i’ll keep you posted on anything i discover on my spiritual journey from now on.

I wish I was better at blogging…

As much as i want to write things in this blog, i’m finding it REALLY hard to pick things out that i want to put to page…. It’s not as if my life is dull in any way, quite the opposite most of the time, maybe i just need to relax more, and write more too, i’m far, far too used to communicating what i need to say in pictures (damn artists). This was only reinforced the other day when i needed to get help writing up a CV for a possible job at a games store in town. (Many, many thanks to my darling El for that).

Gah….

maybe i’ll create a mini series of short stories or something to get my creative and linguistic juices flowing, or just write more one of the two.

Counting my Blessings

I’m really counting my Blessings right now. A good friend of mine, a wonderful lady, Anne just discovered her new baby boy has downs syndrome.  While they “lucked out” in the fact that his physical disablities such as bowel obstruction and heart issues seem to be non-existant, it is still one hell of a thing to come to terms with. I know that Anne and her hubby are the best people in the world for little Kaiden, he will grow up with unconditional support and love from both of them, and for that I am glad.

But still, I feel so lucky right now. Moments like that make you realise how damn lucky you are at times.

Thats all really, but Anne if you ever read this, know your son is beautiful, downs or not, and he is loved by all of us at GS and when you need some extra love and strength we are there to give it. You are an amazing mommy, and a beautiful person, and because of this you will have a beautiful son. Downs or no downs.

Songlist Fun Quiz…

1. What do people assume when they first look at me?
The Brilliant Dance – Dashboard Confessional
I think this a good thing, the brilliant dance is about a dance where no one leads at all, so its fair, so I hope people see me as fair

2. What will be a big challenge in life for me?
Sewn – The Feeling
Being too devoted/trustworthy? Or letting Stu in and keeping him there fully… makes sense right now.

3. Am I a good girlfriend/wife/partner?
You Won’t Know – Brand New
“So believe in me, believe in me, believe in me,
Believe, if you think I’ll let you down
Well I won’t
They can fire everything they’ve got
And when you think I’m sunk
I will float on and on
I have burned the bush that covered my light
Even though I’m scared I won’t burn that bright
But you won’t know
You won’t know
You won’t know
You won’t know”
Says it all…

4. Do I have a Secret Admirer?
Just – Mark Ronson and Alex Grenwald came up not sure what it means….

5. Will I ever become manically depressed in my life?
Come Home – OneRepublic
Makes sense it talks about a war between the vanities and finding happiness. I guess it means I did and i got through it

7. Is someone trying to kill me?
Always Where I Need To Be  – The Kooks
Hopefully not where a killer is….

8. What is my sexual preference?
Be My Escape – Relient K
Sums me up well this song talks about humanity and people rather than referring to any kind of sex, which is how i see myself, jsut me, I don’t label myself straight because I think if the right personality came along in a female then i’d be “gay”.

9. What am I afraid of?
Spin – Taking Back Sunday
I guess this means i’d be scared to do something bad enough to run out of chances with those I love

10. What will I be doing in a few years?
Cocaine – Eric Clapton…
LOL. I don’t think so. Awesome song though!

11. What is some good advice for me?
Your Not Alone – Saosin
Spookily… perfect….

12. What should I do instead of this quiz?
So Sick – Ne Yo
I don’t know if this means be sick or be sick of the net… but niether is true lol

13. Will you get married? Or if you are already married, will you stay married to that person?
This Time – The Feeling
“I’m gonna do it properly this time…
Get it right, I’ll get it right”
Yeah…. lol!

14. What is the story of your life?
Umbrella – Manic Street Preachers
Its about being there for people – makes sense.

15. How can you get ahead in life?
Gold Digger – Kanye West
LOL LOL LOL

16. What is the best thing about your friends?
This Is An Emergency – The pigeon Detectives
That they take me to A&E when I have bad asthma attacks… its even in the title 😆

17. What song describes you?
The Middle – Jimmy Eat World
Makes sense for me – I often feel caught between two worlds.

18. How does the world see you?
There She Goes – The La’s
I hope so teehee

19. Will you have a happy life?
Mercy – OneRepublic
I think so – this is one uplifiting song

20. How can I make myself happy?
How To Save A Life – The Fray
By saving a life???

21. What should you do with your life?
My Love – Justin Timberlake
Be in love? And be loving?

22. Will you ever have children? If you already have children, will you have any more?
Chase This Light – Jimmy Eat World
About taking control of life and living it and being in the moment so i guess this is very positive.

You Won’t Know…

Brand New Lyrics

How to scare the crap out of everyone, including yourself :S

Whats the most fun you can ever have while eating a panini in a Costa? Don’t know? well, i don’t either yet, but i can tell you having heart palpitations randomly isn’t one of them…

My family have a history of heart disease and of course as soon as they started to happen I started panicing in my head, El however was a little star, instantly getting me up and ready to go to hospital. Our friend liam went out of his was to drive us down there aswell, which im thankful for.

On getting to the hospital we waited for a nurse and i was put in for an ECG scan that came up as normal, blood pressure etc ok so it makes me wonder what the hell it was…

It did however bring to light just how lucky I am to have not only El, but friends like liam, both of whom looked terrified for most of the trip.

Anyway, hopefully it was nothing and i just ate too fast or something, i’d feel better not worrying people quite that much again.

A&E

Today we had a little bit of a health scare on Stu’s part:

We were in town having something to eat and he jsut started having palpitations really randomly, was light headed etc so I got him straight to the hospital because his family have a history of heart disease… it was terrfiying for us both, luckily we have a good friend who took us there, and everything is clear, they gave him an ECG and it came back clear but he has been referred on to a heart specialist to investigate further, and if anything more happens i take him straight back.

I’m hoping that its just a blip – as is he, but its great the health service are sorting it properly for us.  Luckily everyone was really great and we had minimal stress other than the obvious.  Thank goodness he is ok though!

Mythic Tarot Reading

Tonight I asked a good friend with a Mythic Tarot deck to draw me three cards corresponding to numbers I picked. I picked 19, 20 & 38.

19 – King of Pentacles (reversed)

Grasping, dull witted, ignorant of art and beauty, bumpkin, dominating, materialistic, greedy, poor business sense, a loser, preoccupied with money, he who dies with the most toys wins, fraud, dishonest, rude, dogmatic, stupid, impractical, crude, workaholic, end justifies the means, every man has his price, stubborn, dogged, pornographic.

This is a man who will do anything for money. He is impressed by other people’s status and social position, and may be a snob to others while trying to carry the favour of those he considers above him. Reversed this can be either a workaholic or an extremely lazy man who expects others to look after him financially. He may care only for his possessions, and uses other people to gain them. There is also a possibility of familial abuse, or he may be someone who marries for money, leaving the person only when he has gone through all of their resources.

20 – Six of Pentacles (Reversed)

Reversed, the Six of Pentacles can indicate theft, stealing of possessions or being unfair in financial affairs. Being cheated or used. In a relationship reading it can mean that one person is dominate over the other. There is a lack of real closeness.

38 – Two of Wands (Reversed)

Caution is advised against impatience. Domination by others. A good beginning may turn against you. You are in for a surprise of some kind.

Conceit, aloofness, losing strength, imprudence, weak defenses, losing momentum after a good start, disappointment, frustration, impatience, pride, short sighted goals, being blocked, disconnected, breakdown of negotiations, self serving, sadness, loss of faith, second thoughts, empty success, things go sour, dominated by others, fear and weakness in the face of conflict, complacency.

This is intriguing, I chose three cards for past, present future, and all came up reversed, however, knowing the mythic tarot they could well be either over exaggerating or being playful with meaning. The final card is intriguing as it refers to my future, and I can’t help but feel it refers to my course at uni, not my actual personal life, so that could be interesting to play out.

The middle card could well be referring to my relationship now as it is, however this is something we are working on already, so thats a very positive sign.

The end card is worrying, however all of these things do need to be taken with a pinch of salt, as my choices may effect the outcome of this card entirely, and void it. Though I will exercise greater caution in everything I do now.

A helpful reading!

My drawer has given me the what he gets from the cards, and now it all makes way more sense:

“The six speaks of a loss of faith… be aware that you are looking to yourself for more answers that may not lie within.

The Two of Wands:  Also remember that others have faith in you and you may have to look for them for guidance at times, but never forget that in the end you must make thise decisions that guide you on your path

All Three: You are beautiful in your stubbornness… but that cannot carry you forever”